“Boundaries are the distance at which I can love you and me simultaneously” -Prentis Hemphill
Ever felt drained or unfulfilled by a relationship? Ever find yourself saying yes to a plans when really you want nothing more to say no and spend the evening binging your favorite show? Sounds like you may have some issues with boundaries... A boundary is a rule we set to protect our well-being and retain a sense of self in a relationship. This post will explore the importance of boundaries in relationships, why people often find them challenging to implement, and the transformative impact they can have on our well-being. By understanding the role of boundaries and learning how to set them effectively, we can cultivate deeper, more fulfilling relationships while honoring our own needs and values.
Why People Struggle Setting Boundaries
There are a whole host of reasons why people find it difficult to set boundaries with others. We may feel guilty in thinking that our boundaries could upset the other person, that putting our needs before the needs of others may even feel selfish or self-centered, or that setting limits could lead to confrontation or conflict. These negative feelings may lead us to abandon the prospect of setting boundaries altogether. Instead, we may sacrifice our needs in order to keep the peace or prevent conflict.
Signs of Unhealthy Boundaries
You may be wondering while reading this if you yourself have healthy or unhealthy boundaries. Here's a quick checklist to help identify if some unhealthy boundaries may be present:
Dependent on the validation of others
Hard time saying no to people
Take responsibility for the emotions of others
A lack of identity
People have too much say in your decisions
Feeling exhausted or overextended
Beginning to resent friends/family
Allowing others to disrespect you/manipulate you
Unhealthy boundaries lead us to sacrifice our needs, which often causes our mental health to nosedive. If you notice yourself engaging in any of these behaviors, it may be time to work on some of your boundaries.
How to Set Healthy Boundaries
Clarity of what your own needs are is the first step in setting healthy boundaries. For example, an introvert may not realize the need to set boundaries limiting the amount of time they spend with others in order to grant themselves the necessary alone time to recharge. Instead, they may be left feeling exhausted or finding themselves beginning to resent their friends without knowing why. This could lead to them isolating themselves or cutting off relationships, introducing a whole new set of problems. We must first identify what our needs are in order to create boundaries to ensure they are met.
Once we recognize what are needs are, we need to communicate they clearly and firmly. Let's go back to the example of the introvert to demonstrate how to implement boundaries in a healthy way. It's a Friday night, they feel exhausted after a long week. They want to do nothing more than relax and binge their favorite show (sound familiar?). As soon as they flop onto the couch their phone buzzes. It's a text from friends asking them to go out tonight. Here's a great opportunity to practice communicating clear and firm boundaries! The introvert could respond with a message saying "Thank you for the invite! It's been a long week though and I'm feeling tired, so I am just going to stay in tonight." You are stating your need (to relax on your own) in a clear and concise manner. No need to provide any further context or to even apologize for not wanting to go out.
Now boundary work doesn't always stop there, sometimes your boundaries may be tested—requiring you to stay strong in holding to them. Your friends might respond to that text saying that going out with them will be fun and a great way to unwind after your long week. However, you are certain that you do not have the energy or desire to join them. You may start feeling yourself begin to waver in your decision. Here is another great opportunity to stick to your boundaries! An appropriate response may look something like this: "Thanks, but I really just want to stay in by myself tonight"
Being firm in your boundaries can be as simple as reiterating your needs. In a healthy relationship with friends who respect your needs, this will likely be enough to have your boundaries respected and your needs met.
Despite your excellent communication skills and ability to stand firm in asserting your boundaries, you may still be feeling guilt or regret in saying no to your friends. This presents us with the final step in healthy boundary setting: self-compassion. In the beginning of your journey to begin creating healthy boundaries, you may come up against a wave of uncomfortable emotions after implementing your boundaries. It's important to respond to these feelings with phrases like "I am taking care of myself" or "I'm making sure that my needs get met". You can also remind yourself that setting boundaries will lead to improved mental health and will improve your relationships.
Living Life With Healthy Boundaries
Healthy boundaries result in us getting our needs met. A person who repeatedly gets their needs met has higher self-worth, greater emotional stability, fulfilling relationships, and the motivation and energy to pursue your goals and dreams. Setting and maintaining healthy boundaries is an ongoing process that requires self-awareness, courage, and practice. Therapy can help you in this journey by providing a safe space to explore your needs while developing the tools to implement and assert your boundaries. By implementing the strategies discussed in this post, or gained through therapy, you'll be better equipped to foster healthier, more fulfilling relationships while nurturing a stronger sense of self. Embrace the power of boundaries as a tool for personal growth and watch as they transform not only your relationships but also your overall well-being.
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